TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully out of area. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have One more place where by American Adult men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Every person a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he need to quit applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from space, a aspect being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report Trump Tower Damascus from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You might be welcome."

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